.::. DiaRY Of A GiRL .::.

... cry of desperation ...

monday morning, 7.54

nobody's here again.. just me and my desperate mind.. pouring over my thoughts and feelings within this writings.. it's funny how i just came to realize that i couldn't even think right nomore.. nope.. there are almost no positive sides that i can barely think off.. i'm that desperate that i can just jump of the roof or hang myself at the backyard.. no.. please don't do that.. gulp*

i don't wanna die.. YET.. but as Robbie Willliams said.. "I ain't keen on living either".. all my life i've been through several ages of desperation.. and let me tell you.. THIS is one of the worst.. everybody's keep telling me to hang on.. that this will pass.. but i'm, so tired.. tired of being here, tired of trying, tired of crying, of weeping, of everything.. i've lost almost all my hopes in life within these past 2 months.. i've changed into another different person.. A WORST ONE.. my current condition have seriously damaged both my body and mind.. and the most terrible thing that i can think of.. the "talent" of having psychological disorders a.k.a. A SPLIT PERSONALITY..

i've read some books about those cases.. most of the peeps with split personalities have had a huge traumatic experience that they could never get over with.. the anger, fear, confusion that should have burst out on the first place were, instead, kept and held back.. this will then lead into a creation of another different character WITHIN the person.. might be 1 or 10 or even hundreds.. sad.. but true..

same thing is happening to me.. i've become the #1 pretender in life.. putting fake smiles on my face each and every day.. pretending that nothing has happened and that I AM OK.. but i'm not.. i'm seriously NOT OK.. i'm sick and I NEED TO STOP PRETENDING THAT I AM NOT.. puuh, i guess i need somekind of phsychiatrist.. or medication.. or whatever..

i just want all of these to end.. someday.. somehow.. i wanna hit and wake myself up of this nightmare.. open my eyes and get up of my comfy bed+blanket in my sweet, small room back in Holland.. i wanna get out of my bedroom, having to find my friends there.. with their half open-eyes.. trying to wake themselves up for another new day.. rushing towards the bathroom, having some small fights about who's having the first bath.. making breakfast in the kitchen.. val's making some chocolate-jam bread for herself and yokko.. dom's boiling some water to cook another indomie pack.. nYu's confusing himself about what to eat that morning and ended up joining dom for another indomie breakfast.. :) how i terribly miss those moments.. can i just turn back time to the point where I felt HOME again?

...i guess i'll never know...

posted by b.e.x.i.s.h @ 7:50 AM