Thursday, December 09, 2004

... clause of Xistence ...

As all you want is simplicity
But all you get is complexion
When hope drives
Yet it drifts away from your hand
Falling all over again
Touch it deep down
The emptiness inside
Yes, you’ll find me there

My head is drifting
I’m loosing my mind
I need you
I want you
I crave for you tonight

Leap into my world,
Jump into my heart
Dive into my soul
I’m screaming for you, though yet again...
I’m alright

Monday, October 18, 2004

... diriku malam ini ...

9.32 PM
di kamar tercintaku.. dialuni sebuah musik indah dari seorang musisi yang inspirasional..

selamat malam teman2ku.. kalian yang dalam suka maupun duka.. sedang tertawa ataupun menangis dalam tawa.. entah kenapa malam ini aku merasa amat sangat tersentuh untuk menulis sebuah renungan kisah hariku.. mungkin akan terasa mellow.. tapi inilah aku yang sebenarnya..

hari ini kulalui seperti biasa.. masih ada tawa dan tangis dengan segala kenaik-turunan emosiku sepanjang harinya.. masih ada tawa palsu yang tetap terpajang manis menghiasi wajahku setiap waktunya.. tapi mungkin beberapa dari mereka telah berhasil menangkap ekspresi wajahku yang tersimpan di balik semua itu.. yah, begitulah bila aku merasa letih dengan segala kepura-puraan yang aku jalani.. hanya itulah satu-satunya harapanku untuk bertahan.. sebuah cover manis untuk menyingkapi kesedihanku yang teramat dalam..

tapi bila kupikir-pikir lagi.. apakah diriku sendiri yang membuat segala sesuatunya tampak lebih buruk dari keadaan yang sebenarnya? Mungkin akibat kekosongan dalam diriku yang sampai saat ini belum dapat terisi kembali.. masih ada sebagian jiwaku yang hilang entah ke mana.. kurasa dia sedang asyik membayangkan segala sesuatu yang tampak begitu sempurna di masa lalu dan tidak mau kembali pada kenyataan yang ada..

apapun itu kawanku, aku telah menerima sebuah teguran indah malam ini.. kadang aku sendiri masih mempertanyakan arti hadirku di dunia ini.. apakah aku diciptakan hanya sebagai pelengkap ekosistem tanpa makna belaka.. atau sebagai mahluk hidup yang mengemban suatu tujuan tertentu.. kusadari bahwa dari segala lika-liku kehidupanku, jatuh bangunnya aku setiap harinya.. masih ada mereka yang bersedia menopangku dari belakang.. tidak membiarkan aku terperosok lebih jauh di dalam kegelapan yang tanpa kusadari telah kuciptakan sendiri.. masih ada mereka yang mau MENCINTAI aku sebagai seorang AKU.. dengan segala kelebihan dan kekuranganku..

kusadari bahwa merekalah pemberian Tuhan yang paling berharga.. perpanjangan tangan-Nya dalam menjagaku sehari-hari.. mendampingiku dalam setiap tetes tangis dalam sedihku.. menemaniku dalam segelintir tawa sesungguhnya yang begitu jarang kutemukan akhir2 ini.. tapi mereka ADA di sini.. tak pernah hilang.. dan tak pernah meninggalkan aku sendirian..

malam ini, aku benar2 terketuk oleh apa yang telah diberikan-Nya. Betapa Ia tak pernah tidur dan masih mau mendengarkan keluh kesah mahluk yang amatlah hina ini. Betapa kusadari bahwa akulah yang selama ini tidak bisa berterima kasih atas begitu banyak yang telah diberikan-Nya. Dan betapa baiknya Ia bahwa Ia masih mau mengirimkan teguran2 manis untuk membangunkanku kembali dari kegelapan itu. Tidak dalam hal2 besar.. tapi melalui hal2 kecil yang bisa membuatku tersenyum kembali.

Melalui seorang ayah yang begitu baik, yang mau bersusah payah menjemputku di tengah kemacetan dan kegaluan lalu lintas Jakarta yang begitu padatnya di sore hari.. yang masih mau mengantarkan aku pulang terlebih dahulu hanya agar aku bisa mengejar tontonan favorit yang telah lama kutunggu-tunggu.. Melalui seorang ibu, yang meski dalam segala kekurangan dan problema pribadinya, masih mau mengerti dan mendukung keputusanku.. walaupun itu akan menyusahkannya kembali.. Melalui dia yang selalu mendampingiku selama satu setengah tahun indah ini.. yang selalu menawarkan bahunya untuk kubasahi dengan air mata di saat sedih dan kusandarkan bila lelah.. Melalui kawan2 yang tak henti2nya memberikanku semangat di saat aku jatuh.. dan mau menemaniku bersama melalui rintangan ini..

Kutitikan kembali air mataku kala menulis renungan ini.. bukan karena sedihku.. namun karena haruku akan apa yang telah kuterima.. teman2, kisahku hari ini ingin kuakhiri dengan kisah lain yang telah kupetik dari seseorang yang telah melalui begitu banyak cobaan, namun tetap tabah dan bahkan bisa berterima kasih atas apa yang telah dia alami.. renungan manis yang telah mengetukku amat dalam malam ini untuk membagikannya kepada kalian semua yang tengah bimbang dalam hidup.. berikut ini adalah sejenak suara hati.. dari seorang Glen Fredly Deviano Latuihamallo…
“Segala sesuatu ada waktunya.. apa yang tercipta merupakan jawaban dari perputaran waktu yang Tuhan telah sediakan buat kita.. emosi, ego, luapan tawa, tetes air mata, impian, semua lebur jadi satu.. menjadi sebuah pengakuan yang penuh arti bagi perjalanan hidup kita.. semua penuh arti.. baik ataupun buruk, hidup itu penuh arti.. semua yang kita lalui sampai hariini, ada hanya karena CINTA dan KASIH KARUNIA.. nikmati hidup apa adanya karena semua berawal dari sana.. yakinlah segala sesuatu ada waktunya dan terjadi tepat pada waktu-Nya.”

Dan satu ini.. ingin kutujukan untuk beberapa teman baikku dengan sebuah jalan hidup yang sama denganku.. kembali kukutip dari perkataan Glen sendiri..

“Buat mereka yang tersakiti, yang ditinggalkan, yang tergores
hatinya, yang HARUS BERTAHAN karena P.E.R.B.E.D.A.A.N, juga yang harus bertahan MELAWAN PERGUMULAN HIDUP.. please jangan pernah salahkan CINTA, hidup harus bergulir, janganlah menyerah…”

Thursday, October 14, 2004

... destiny? ...


Isn’t it funny how life tends to be just the opposite of how you wanted it to be? Some say that it's just a matter of bad luck.. But most of them calls it a destiny.. They keep saying that you're DESTINED to be that way and that you just have to face your own destiny.. Is this true? Is there a thing called DESTINY anyway?

As a person who’s basically educated NOT TO BELIEVE in one.. I actually doubt that it even exist.. But when I happen to face issues that I truly can’t solve or stuck within a hugeeeee freakin’ problem or in a condition that I seriously can’t understand.. I came back to the point about its existence. I keep bombarding my inner self with questions like:
What the hell am I doing here? How did I get myself into this? Or is it just my destiny that I AM SUPPOSED to bump into these maters?

Still.. nobody’s able to answer.. including myself. Dunno why, but it kinda leave a hollowness within me.. as if something’s missing. I’m a person with a faith.. not that religious anymore though (duh! What an honest opinion.. :P) I do pray and seek advices from Him. But I gotta admit that in times like these.. this vague, yet strong believe is not quite enough to help me through the day. Yet I keep holding onto it. Hoping that someday.. somehow.. things will finally get better.. or shall I say, MY DESTINY will be “less worse” than my current one.. :D

I do believe that a person holds a total responsibility in changing his/her own destiny. Though they might have to face tough brick walls, cry a thousand tears or put fake smiles on their faces while trying to act tough, just to go through a day of their life. Don’t say that I’m being hyperbolic coz I’m not. That was just a glimpse of my current daily lives now.

Anyway, I kinda bumped into all kinds of people lately. Those who have better lives and of course, those who doesn’t. Unfortunately, I don’t even know to what category I shall put myself into. Sounds pathetic? J Can’t really describe how I feel right now *especially since I just can’t put them in words..* But it’s always good to know that I’m not alone.. There are so many other ‘ME’ in this world, facing the same or even worst issues at this current moment. Let us try to be strong. For the thousand times in our life. Just try.. and hang on.. Don't give up just YET.. who knows what tomorrow will be..

Wednesday, October 13, 2004

... here to oblivion ...


Why do I feel so left out again? Is it because I AM being treated that way? Or is it just because of me? shutting myself out from this sick and tiring world. I hate this environment. I just want to GET OUUUT!!! But I can’t.. I’ll be stuck within this hell of a ride for quite some time before I can finally jump out of it.. not having any other option to choose..

4 months.. will I be able to survive? Or will I give up someday and just jump out of the window to end this pain? Am I that desperate?? I have never wanted to be this way.. this is not me!! but i'm so damn tired.. it feels like everything i have ever done up till now is worthless.. i'm so freakin exhausted of trying.. so sick and tired of being shut down every single day.. so tired of being treated as if I DON"T EVEN EXIST!!!


I'm FULLY RUINED NOW!!! are you satisfied!!?? just laugh and laugh and laugh above my sufferings!!! i don't give a fcukin care anymore!! i never wanna hate.. and i don't wanna curse.. but why do you keep pushing me to do that!!?? AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

OMG.. i'm seriously insane now.. can barely think of anything normal.. it feels as if my head wants to blow out of anger!! i can't even cry nomore.. my eyes have run out of tears.. i seriously just wanna shoot my head and... that'll be the end.. isn't it?

Monday, October 11, 2004

... as my heart screams ...


Do you ever feel like breaking down?
Do you ever feel out of place?
Like somehow YOU JUST DON'T BELONG
And NO ONE understands you

Do you ever wanna run away?
Do you lock yourself in your room?
With the radio on turned up so loud
That NO ONE HEARS YOU SCREAMING
No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels alright
You don't know what it's like to be like me

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked
When you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
When no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like

Welcome to my life

Do you wanna be somebody else?
Are you SICK OF FEELING SO LEFT OUT?
Are you desperate to find something more
Before your life is over
Are you stuck inside a world you hate?
Are you SICK OF EVERYONE AROUND?
With the BIG FAKE SMILES and stupid lies
But deep inside you're BLEEDING...
No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels alright
You don't know what it's like to be like me

*~ Simple Plan - Welcome to My Life

... cry of desperation ...


monday morning, 7.54

nobody's here again.. just me and my desperate mind.. pouring over my thoughts and feelings within this writings.. it's funny how i just came to realize that i couldn't even think right nomore.. nope.. there are almost no positive sides that i can barely think off.. i'm that desperate that i can just jump of the roof or hang myself at the backyard.. no.. please don't do that.. gulp*

i don't wanna die.. YET.. but as Robbie Willliams said.. "I ain't keen on living either".. all my life i've been through several ages of desperation.. and let me tell you.. THIS is one of the worst.. everybody's keep telling me to hang on.. that this will pass.. but i'm, so tired.. tired of being here, tired of trying, tired of crying, of weeping, of everything.. i've lost almost all my hopes in life within these past 2 months.. i've changed into another different person.. A WORST ONE.. my current condition have seriously damaged both my body and mind.. and the most terrible thing that i can think of.. the "talent" of having psychological disorders a.k.a. A SPLIT PERSONALITY..

i've read some books about those cases.. most of the peeps with split personalities have had a huge traumatic experience that they could never get over with.. the anger, fear, confusion that should have burst out on the first place were, instead, kept and held back.. this will then lead into a creation of another different character WITHIN the person.. might be 1 or 10 or even hundreds.. sad.. but true..

same thing is happening to me.. i've become the #1 pretender in life.. putting fake smiles on my face each and every day.. pretending that nothing has happened and that I AM OK.. but i'm not.. i'm seriously NOT OK.. i'm sick and I NEED TO STOP PRETENDING THAT I AM NOT.. puuh, i guess i need somekind of phsychiatrist.. or medication.. or whatever..

i just want all of these to end.. someday.. somehow.. i wanna hit and wake myself up of this nightmare.. open my eyes and get up of my comfy bed+blanket in my sweet, small room back in Holland.. i wanna get out of my bedroom, having to find my friends there.. with their half open-eyes.. trying to wake themselves up for another new day.. rushing towards the bathroom, having some small fights about who's having the first bath.. making breakfast in the kitchen.. val's making some chocolate-jam bread for herself and yokko.. dom's boiling some water to cook another indomie pack.. nYu's confusing himself about what to eat that morning and ended up joining dom for another indomie breakfast.. :) how i terribly miss those moments.. can i just turn back time to the point where I felt HOME again?

...i guess i'll never know...